In my eyes.

I got these tears in my eyes
From all the little times
That I didn’t allow myself to cry.
These tears in my eyes
From all those things,
They seem so small
But they feel so big.
We got these tears in our eyes
From all those times
When something hurt us.
They never end
And threaten to flood me in.
Is there really an oceans worth
Or is it just my fears.
I got tears in my eyes
From all those little times
And they seem they’ll never away.

Sunny Days and the wind in my face.

I have just now realized that my hands been very central in my interactions with the world, in some ways I am most myself in environments that provide that. My intuition is in my hands.

As a toddler I did jigsaw puzzles
As a child I drew.
In my teens I participated in, and most enjoyed, competition wherein we had to engineer a bridge.
I suppose it seems rather organic that in my adulthood my keenest would drift to gardening and woodwork

My intuition is in my hand. Working with my hands is in some ways my happy place, in some ways it’s my happy place, it invokes my imagination, it paves the way for understanding.
I have never been as unhappy in my life as when I wasn’t using my hands. Then, I wrote. So…

Now I wonder what my others are 😊

Markers on Paper bag cutouts

People’s obsession with hearing the words I love you and live out their fairytales is the very reason why people end up in relationships that amount to zero.

They convince themselves that their lust is so much more and then are surprised when they don’t feel the love,  then they heartbroke.

There’s nothing divine about pain. Definitely not for something as abundant as love.

Saying “I love you” doesn’t make it real. And not saying it does not make it a myth.

Perhaps if people spent less time chasing  and more time enjoying they’d see this.

Perhaps if they spent less time chasing the words and the gifts and the grand gestures and spent more time enjoying the company of  those they are in love they’d see that. There is no pain in it, just in the expectations you attach to it and the very many rules and regulations you conjure up to quantify it.
                                                                   

True love cannot, at all, be quantified. There’s no standard   average for it.

If its truly love, nothing can come inbetween that, not even death. But,  not knowing what it is, is a suffering worse than death itself

Gone Fishin’

I’m think I’m hooked on you. You’re like a shot cocaine in the morning. I smile whenever I see a text from you. The black hole in my chest rages happily when you’re quiet.

I think I’m hooked on you. You presence is the way I affirm my existence. You feel better than any drug. Even if I can’t hold you, you grab me by the aorta with an emoji. I think I’m hooked on you and I like it. You’re my food, water, coca cola, my ice cream, my vodka, my goodnight sleep. 

I think I’m hooked on you. My minds all fucked up over you. I go through what can only be withdrawal when my phone is silent.

Im hooked and it’s funny because I’ve only profile picture to remember you by. Its weird because I’ve not yet held you, smelled you, looked upon you, heard your voice in very many days. Im so hooked on you and I’ve not physically been in your presence, Lord knows how it’s gonna be when that all changes.

Im hooked on you and we only ever text. And yet you’re the first person I check on in the morning and the first who comes to mind when I’m happy. You got me these kinds of fucked up and you know what. I fucking love it.

Chasing Lights

To answer Nicholsons Joker, yes I have danced with the devil. Its a warm night in the Pretoria summer and it’s just one of those times. I don’t know what I want, I’m not sure there’s anything I want, it’s 3am I’ve not slept for 70 hours, I think(after the 50th hour it all just melds into one thing) and I’m staring at a red light. I don’t remember what I’m doing here right now, I’m not sure I remember how I got here. I’ve always loved the pull of the big engine, the boost of the turbo and the feel of the clutch and the accelerator under my feet and chunk of the heavy gear stick, it’s always thrilled me, it’s always more pleasure than any woman I’ve ever been with has ever given me.

He’s always thought it a bit strange, but on the road has always been the only time he’d felt truly alive. He’s life completely in his hands, racing the line between life and death, redlining the motor to near mechanical failure, but he’d always been too good a driver for his own good, not race driver good, but good enough to survive the many ill-judged moments. He looked at the road again.

Three, two, one, green. Im too goddamn tired to be fucking driving, but the way I’m going I think I’m going home, words are just words and nothing means fucking anything right now. Redline, 5th gear. 6000 revs, top gear. Im doing what, 185 kph? And I’m in a 60 zone, holy fucking shit Christ, haha. All these streetlights, I don’t even see the dark inbetween. All these traffic lights, don’t even have the time to turn away from green. Straight into sweeping left incline into… Oh shit,the cars facing wrong way or is it the wrong way up, I think I forgot to brake into the curve, I mean I heard the tires screech, I’m pretty sure I’m going sideways and the road at the wrong end of my head, plus why are there trees aren’t they supposed to be over the edge? Is this it, is this really it, killed by a fucking car? Who woulda ever thunk it? How long I been chasing streetlights? I know I just did four traffic lights, each about 500 metres? I think. How many streetlights was it though, I forgot count? I always said I’d be killed by these cars. I been chasing these streetlights so long, I even lost count of them all. How many rolls was that? I’m so warm, and I think a little wet but I think I’m home now, I don’t remember going through the gate but at least now I’ll get to sleep. Its fine, who needs a bed, I’ll just sleep in this seat and see my life in the morning. Sweet, beautiful, peaceful sleep sigh

… … … ….

End

It was a routine thing.
Nothing special, just a quick stop and go.
Just a quick resupply. 

It was a quick stop and go.
I saw green and I went.
Busy trying to discuss Thando Thabethe on the radio there.
I look to the left as my mate shouts at me.
I look, right before this 2 ton fist of metal hits our broadside.
In that moment he ended, the one crew mate.
He took the brunt of it.
What a champ.

You know it’s said when you about to die, you see your life flash before your eyes.
That’s a lie, there is no time.
There is no fear, there is no time.
In that briefest moment.
In that millionth of a second,
There is no time.
Reality and you are in a sort of Skype relationship.

In that briefest moment. 
In that millionth of a second.
In that timelessness, it was done.
I didn’t know what direction we were going. I didn’t have any sense of bearing.
And then I did.

In that briefest moment.
In that millionth of a second,
When reality was on lunch break.
He’d spun twice and rested on the pavement.
Facing the opposite direction to where he was.

And then in that spacelessness it was real, I had just been in my first MVA.
It was everything and nothing like you would expect.
And somehow the car was the only casualty.

I’m out of ideas now

have you ever felt like youre waiting for something but you don’t know what you’re waiting for.
have you ever thought that whatever it is you’re waiting for is exactly why you can’t move on. is why you can’t do shit right. is why you keep failing.

its 05:40 CAT and after a long ass night and a couple hours trying to force sleep, it just occurred to me that there’s something major that I’m missing. or I have it and I just can’t see it.

whatever this thing is, or I guess for arguments sake whoever it is, I need to figure it out now because I’m reaching the point of break.

and I honestly don’t know what to do.  I need some help. someone to elucidate the way for me. this is it. this is my cry for help. my plea to the powers of the universe to help me. to help put me out of this piss pit that I’m in before I completely lose sight of the light.

its 05:51 CAT. and I don’t know what I’m doing, and I don’t know where I’m going. and unless I get some help from someone, from anyone. I’m going to be lost and I don’t think I’ll ever come back. I’m a little scared actually.

JuneBug

I have this cup. I keep this cup turned downside up. and once in a while my naïve side crawls up out of the hole I stuffed it in and does some spectacularly retarded shit, like decide to turn the cup the right way up.

The problem is; there’s a reason why that glass stays like that. See this glass is like Pandora’s Box, minus the happiness and shit at the bottom of the box and shit. Once this cup fills up, its quick to overflow and once that happens all the shit falls to hell and I regret all the shit and yada yada fish paste.
Then I turn down again, everything is still acid burnt and fucked to death, but you know what after that all crap goes away and shit.

This glass I’m talking about is how much is my “care” glass. Don’t be retarded, it’s a metaphor.
my point now is caring is usually not worth it, because you care and put in the work and all that shit and still get blasted in the face with shit, piss and barf. Afterward, when I feel sad, alone, dejected, disappointed, rejected and all around all around just fucking depressed, I remember why I chose to not ever give the tiniest of fucks in the first place. That shits like playing with water when you’re clearly fire. It just don’t end well.

So for now I go back to my cave and indulge in all of my little fucked up luxuries. All the while fixing the colossal mess that naïve fool made. Oh, yeah, I have a gigantic ass crush. Schoolyard puppy kinda shit, you know! Like, bad bad, all disgustingly cute shit. This girl is the Rose. I was supposed to lead with that, I guess. Romantics are born, cynics are made. I didn’t survive the battle, I am made a cynic. It’s smarter, its logical. It will win the war. But that romantic naïveté is for the birds.

So now the cup is upside down, the fool back in his cage, and me left with a mess.

(X_X) I just hope she doesn’t see this ever

The Sun SHALT Set!

it hit me just the other day like a wave.
okay i’m lying. it was more like a beacon in the mist.
point is, I had a mini epiphany, or at least i hope that’s what it was.
and like any story worth telling it started a little back in the day
when I stopped dreaming because it didn’t seem worth it. i mean dreaming
up your future is never really a waste but I was tired of being disappointed
you know. so i stopped and i just lived.
but now i’m starting to get the feeling that that’s what might be holding me back
right now.
I think that’s why I liked Black Orchid Girl so much, she gave me something to
look forward to. a dream to live for. i’m beginning to think that is what I need.
a dream to live for. long-term goal to work toward.

i’m thinking big now. lavish. extravagant. extraordinary.
I want my bmw 1M with all the fixings. I want my big house in a quiet secluded
suburb. i want my Playstation, desktop pc, Dstv, hooked up to my HD flat
screen TV, all hooked up to my 6.1 speaker surround sound home theater system.
I want my mancave with a fully stocked bar, complete with arcade area; fooseball table,
pool table, and classic arcade game machines and hookah station.
I want my English & american style tailored suited with a white old butler (excuse the
somewhat racist undertone there, or not, whatever… lol).
I wanna get to travelling for no other reason except just doing it.
I got the vision. all I need now is a strategy.
I want it all. now all I need is the motivation.
the sun shalt set on me. not until i’m done with this.
I might be late to the show but you know the old saying right?
i’m honestly just gonna reach past my grasp.

Moonlight

my pretties, my lovelies. the fire is waning, you aren’t here to tend to it. please tend to it. it was only by necessity that I did what I did, I needed to do it. I was not the one who sent you away. I am not angry with you. please do not hate me. come back to me. come dance with me once more. come dance with me under the moonlight. come back to me and dance with me under the moonlight, around the bonfire. come gyrate, ululate, hop, skip, jump, wind, grind, vibrate, step with me. come. come be merry with merry with me under the blanket of dark and, light of the moon and stars. you silly little skamps. my pretty little demons, come. you kissed my soul too well for too long for me to just let you go like so. come back to me and dance with me under the moonlight, around the bonfire. it’s just not as terrifying without you.