how it feels right now…

metaphor for my life this is

why spoil it with words, it speaks loudly enough for itself…

 

… the return

 

so it was this past sunday. I wake up, it’s already late in the afternoon, im sick as a dog(I wasn’t hanging, I was properly drunk still) and my phone is missing, and its the only one of my belongings that isn’t there, oh and lets not forget that I can’t remember a single moment from the night before.

so, my phone, its funny because I wasn’t touched that it was gone, at least not beyond my primary need to have a mobile to call and text. I felt liberated  from being constantly available, and here I used to think I was attached at the hip with this thing. then something happened, something that hadn’t happened this properly, and so clearly in the longest as its been for all of this week. my spark, I found it again, I found the things that gave my life meaning before I began this soul sucking quest for a degree I didn’t want. for the first time in the longest time ever I was able to see my dreams once more and I loved it. what I had was more than just a moment of clarity, I had a whole weeks worth.

I can’t sleep, I don’t need to eat, I don’t need to drink, because my thoughts just wont shut up. the visions and words of the things I want to do, the things I wish to do wont be shut out any longer, and that inner child in me refuses to be refused the things he hungers for, he refuses to accept rejection. and with that, with the return of the spark that carries the essence of my being, I gained the courage to pursue my dreams. I don’t have a plan or anything or whatever. I just have the balls to go after this, and I might start off slow, I might stumble, and I might not succeed but be damn fucking certain that I will die trying. I stake my life on it

A little more…

I suppose a little more background and insight is in order, if maybe for nothing more than just the courtesy of it, right?!? I suppose its only fitting if I’m gonna be sharing myself with you like this.
[Shrugs] Let’s see…

I’m a South African youth, archetype black guy. You know the story, grew up in all black neighbourhood, never really had much, but that’s where that premise ends though. And I’ve only ever really known the province I was born in, Gauteng (thank you very much).

I was brought up to be quite liberal by a single mother of two, I have a younger brother(3yrs), which is funny because she and the rest of my blood are quite conservative, makes for interesting conflicts though.

For a kid with a background like I have, I’m quite odd, I’m differently focused. To the point where people don’t believe where I’m from, I’ve even been called white by most of my friends.

Also I’m also a bit of a wandering soul. I tend to contemplate a lot of things that I assume no-one else cares to, or at least I assume they don’t, I don’t know.

[Shrugs]

But let me leave it there for now. I’ll come back with more soon, maybe.

what to do…

Everyone wants what someone else has. Everyone wants to be where someone else is, and that’s why everyone finds it hard to be happy.

We, as people, have to realise that we aren’t made the same. Realise that there are things that we are suited for, and forcing things isn’t always the answer. That some of the depression we feel, we inflict upon ourselves in pursuit of the things that aren’t for us.

Sometimes you don’t do what you want because you can’t, but do you do what you have to so can do what you want? Most of the time, you have to make a sacrifice and that sacrifice is what you want.

I, personally, have very little tying me to anything, and whatever is can be overcome and quickly get back to what I want to live before more responsibility falls on me. Although age doesn’t determine whether or not its late to do what you want (the age old ‘its never too late’ applies here)(as well.)

I’m still young, I have a propensity to rebel. I don’t want to make that sacrifice because I would be giving away my soul. So now I fight. I fight for what I want… And so too should you