I’m out of ideas now

have you ever felt like youre waiting for something but you don’t know what you’re waiting for.
have you ever thought that whatever it is you’re waiting for is exactly why you can’t move on. is why you can’t do shit right. is why you keep failing.

its 05:40 CAT and after a long ass night and a couple hours trying to force sleep, it just occurred to me that there’s something major that I’m missing. or I have it and I just can’t see it.

whatever this thing is, or I guess for arguments sake whoever it is, I need to figure it out now because I’m reaching the point of break.

and I honestly don’t know what to do.  I need some help. someone to elucidate the way for me. this is it. this is my cry for help. my plea to the powers of the universe to help me. to help put me out of this piss pit that I’m in before I completely lose sight of the light.

its 05:51 CAT. and I don’t know what I’m doing, and I don’t know where I’m going. and unless I get some help from someone, from anyone. I’m going to be lost and I don’t think I’ll ever come back. I’m a little scared actually.

The Sun SHALT Set!

it hit me just the other day like a wave.
okay i’m lying. it was more like a beacon in the mist.
point is, I had a mini epiphany, or at least i hope that’s what it was.
and like any story worth telling it started a little back in the day
when I stopped dreaming because it didn’t seem worth it. i mean dreaming
up your future is never really a waste but I was tired of being disappointed
you know. so i stopped and i just lived.
but now i’m starting to get the feeling that that’s what might be holding me back
right now.
I think that’s why I liked Black Orchid Girl so much, she gave me something to
look forward to. a dream to live for. i’m beginning to think that is what I need.
a dream to live for. long-term goal to work toward.

i’m thinking big now. lavish. extravagant. extraordinary.
I want my bmw 1M with all the fixings. I want my big house in a quiet secluded
suburb. i want my Playstation, desktop pc, Dstv, hooked up to my HD flat
screen TV, all hooked up to my 6.1 speaker surround sound home theater system.
I want my mancave with a fully stocked bar, complete with arcade area; fooseball table,
pool table, and classic arcade game machines and hookah station.
I want my English & american style tailored suited with a white old butler (excuse the
somewhat racist undertone there, or not, whatever… lol).
I wanna get to travelling for no other reason except just doing it.
I got the vision. all I need now is a strategy.
I want it all. now all I need is the motivation.
the sun shalt set on me. not until i’m done with this.
I might be late to the show but you know the old saying right?
i’m honestly just gonna reach past my grasp.

… the return

 

so it was this past sunday. I wake up, it’s already late in the afternoon, im sick as a dog(I wasn’t hanging, I was properly drunk still) and my phone is missing, and its the only one of my belongings that isn’t there, oh and lets not forget that I can’t remember a single moment from the night before.

so, my phone, its funny because I wasn’t touched that it was gone, at least not beyond my primary need to have a mobile to call and text. I felt liberated  from being constantly available, and here I used to think I was attached at the hip with this thing. then something happened, something that hadn’t happened this properly, and so clearly in the longest as its been for all of this week. my spark, I found it again, I found the things that gave my life meaning before I began this soul sucking quest for a degree I didn’t want. for the first time in the longest time ever I was able to see my dreams once more and I loved it. what I had was more than just a moment of clarity, I had a whole weeks worth.

I can’t sleep, I don’t need to eat, I don’t need to drink, because my thoughts just wont shut up. the visions and words of the things I want to do, the things I wish to do wont be shut out any longer, and that inner child in me refuses to be refused the things he hungers for, he refuses to accept rejection. and with that, with the return of the spark that carries the essence of my being, I gained the courage to pursue my dreams. I don’t have a plan or anything or whatever. I just have the balls to go after this, and I might start off slow, I might stumble, and I might not succeed but be damn fucking certain that I will die trying. I stake my life on it

Please Remember…

Don’t let them win, you can’t

But don’t forget either that…

don’t be mad, but its true